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Smiley's Arsenal (by T. David)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Smiley's Laws of Paintball

Much like "Murphy's Laws of Paintball," these laws are the bare all, blunt and to the point facts of paintball and the effects it has on its action-addled participants, but only more current and applicable to today's game of paintball.  Keep checking back because I am always updating these rules!!

Rules:

  1. The general is the first to suffer from friendly fire, but of course, who says that friendly of this sort is friendly? 
  2. There is no such thing as "Matrix" style paintball.  You'll just get shot up, laughed at, and shot some more. 
  3. Range - Smange!  Right?  Bullshit!  Most paintball guns have the same range as the next...except tricked out VM-68s, auto cockers, and others. 
  4. "When the enemy is in range--so are you", unless you're cheating or your name is Smiley.
  5. Flatlines are junk, but if you want still use them, go ahead...my Chicken Killer shoots further.
  6. Flatlines plus reactive trigger and cyclone feed =  a slimey fuckin mess. 
  7. When a pistol/sidearm is pulled out in a game, you are either 30 seconds from:  getting shot; running out of ammo again; or ending the game. 
  8. Pistols don't make you a John Woo action film star.  If you are going to use a pistol, it takes a lot of experience, skill, and strategy, not mention the right pistol.
  9. You aint a sniper unless you have a real sniper type paintball gun and engage in sniper-like tactics. 
  10. Always keep moving.  When you stop moving, goggles tend to fog, you tend to get flanked and your extremities tend to fall asleep. 
  11. Beware of the old school player.
  12. Beware of the player who shows up with a really old paintball marker. 
  13. Be respectful. 
  14. Dress how you want to be treated.
  15. Paintball is 1 part shooting, and 3 parts psychological.
  16. Electronics hate rain.
  17. Twibs suck - winning is not everything.  I have had more fun loosing than winning.
  18. You can never be too prepared.
  19. Prepared = paranoid.  Paranoid = prepared and your enemies eliminated
  20. Beware of the cackling buffoon.
  21. Beware of the 18 year olds, especially when you are getting older. 
  22. Being authoritative only gets you shot.
  23. Beware of the quiet one.
  24. Gun cheats - :(   - makes the sport very unsafe and unattractive.
  25. That guy who idolizes you and tries to be you on the field, just shoot him in the nuts.  He's less likely to come after you when he thinks he gotten good enough to kick your ass.
  26. Angry Mob + one disgruntled Asshole = one big cluster fuck coming after you.
  27. Dating and Paintball don't mix, especially after you accidentally shoot her in the tit. 
  28. Don't shoot women in the tit.  "Third  and Fourth Nipples" are not funny to them. 
  29. Wearing a Kilt attracts incoming fire.
  30. Wearing a Kilt while playing paintball in poison oak and poison ivy concentrated fields is a bad thing
  31. Paybacks and paintball should not have anything to do with the other.  Its a game.  You get shot.
  32. Cheating/wiping - Go ahead.  It just gives me another chance to shoot you in a "Bad" spot.